can't stop the weird smell

An Open Letter To The Older Firefighter I Wish I Had Dumped Immediately After Discovering He Still Had a Hard-On For “Atlas Shrugged.”

In categorically uncategorized. on June 22, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for taking the time to dump me via text. Bold, courageous and tasteful are a few adjectives I can use to describe your thoughtful message:

“I know it’s perfectly cowardly to do this via text but I am feeling a moment of honest clarity and I feel I must tell you that I don’t think you should see me any more.”

A moment of honest clarity? I’m touched that you spent a “moment” to grapple with the issue. Didn’t we just speak five hours ago? Wasn’t that you prattling on about how you couldn’t wait to see me? And don’t get me started on all the texts. Proust wrote less than you. (This might be a good time to bring up the problem with your “remembrance of things past.” I didn’t mention it before because memory loss, especially for a man your age, can be a sensitive issue. Incidentally, what was it like having a Roman chariot as your first vehicle?)

Then again, perhaps I was mistaken. I might have been talking to someone else. I have been spending a lot of time in hot yoga. I’ve sweat out many things. The ability to read call display may have been one of them.

Nevertheless, you are absolutely correct. I should not see you any more. But not for the reason cited in your subsequent text:

“I’m very sorry. It has nothing to do with compatibility, communication, attraction, nor any of the other usual suspects. It has only to do with my inability to remain faithful to any one person.”

Oh. You’re a slut. Someone call CNN and have them update their news crawl: Firefighter admits to promiscuous proclivities! But, you are correct. That is a very good reason for why YOU think I should not see you anymore.

But MY reasons for not seeing YOU are much better:

1. You are a staunch self-proclaimed Objectivist who “practices” Tantra. (Did anyone else just hear Ayn Rand’s blood-curdling scream from the hereafter?) Just because you’ve read “over twenty books on tantric sex” doesn’t mean you are manifesting and channelling divine energy. It just means you’re a self-righteous capitalist who hides his horndog tendencies in an ancient body of beliefs you clearly do not understand.

2. Sometimes you smell strange. You know, like in a farty way? I don’t know how you can fix that. Fewer acidic beverages? Less farty activities? A bar of Irish Spring?

3. How many times are we going to talk about your “non-ejaculatory orgasms?” And when was I going to see one? For a guy who claimed to only have ejaculatory orgasms once every three months, you seemed to really…Um…Maybe there was some confusion over how many days are in a month.  Mine generally have 30-31 days. Yours appear only to have three.

4. You eat bananas. I fucking hate bananas.

5. The following items were always in your car: a bottle of mouthwash (useful), your old wedding ring (weird) and a feather attached to a stick (creepy). And you kept unwrapped pieces of gum in your ashtray (gross).

I would also feel remiss if I didn’t mention that for someone who has read at least “twenty books,” you didn’t know what “gossamer” meant nor did you understand any of the caption humour on (But thanks for the link to “cats that look like Hilter.” Oh yeah. That was hilarious. Or should I say, heil-arious).

I would however, like to extend my apologies for not giving you a dramatic finale to our relationship. I guess I could’ve made an effort to sprinkle a little psycho on our break-up by mailing you the severed head of something. Like the toothbrush you left at my place, perhaps? I guess I could’ve called you incessantly filling your voice mail with hang-ups and plaintive pleas.  I guess I could’ve demanded to see you in person, my cheeks stained with tears as I begged you to reconsider. But that really isn’t my style. I save my crazy for the guys with doctorates. Standards are important. Well, for some people, anyway.



Originally published Oct. 2010

  1. I agree on the banana point. Bananas are evil.. They should all be wrapped in bacon and BBQ’d.

    Yeah, you made a face. Everyone makes the face. Then they eat one and ask for more.


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